The goal of contacting someone who has just experienced a death is to let the person know you’re thinking about him or her, and that he or she has your support and sympathy. The form of communication you choose should be the one that is least stressful for the bereaved.
In general, when offering condolences, it’s important to keep in mind what the bereaved is going through, in terms of the emotional pain and difficulty he or she is likely experiencing. Complex and stressful funeral planning, coupled with financial considerations and sometimes difficult family dynamics are all a part of this stressful process.
VISITING - Unless the bereaved or someone working closely with the bereaved has invited you to his or her home or a family home, it is best not to show up unannounced. However, if you have been invited to the home or if the family is receiving people at their home, it is appropriate to stop by.
PHONE CALL - If you are an intimate friend of the bereaved, calling to offer your condolences is appropriate, and may be a source of strength and support for the bereaved. However, if you are a more casual friend, a phone call may be overwhelming at an already stressful time. Use your best judgement at all times.
HANDWRITTEN NOTE - The most traditional method of reaching out, sending a letter or card expressing your condolences to the bereaved is always welcome, and gives the recipient plenty of time and space to respond. If you don’t have the mailing address for the bereaved or the family, contact the funeral director and they can forward your note on to the family.
EMAIL, TEXT MESSAGES - As texting and email is becoming a more widespread form of communication, there are many people who might feel perfectly comfortable receiving a condolence via this method. However, many people still think it as a too-casual form of communication, especially for something as serious as a condolence note. Before you text the bereaved think about whether he or she would appreciate this form of message or would feel it is insensitive.
FACEBOOK, SOCIAL MEDIA - The public nature of Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites makes offering condolences tricky. As a rule, on social media sites you should only offer your condolences if the person has acknowledged the situation, or how he or she is feeling. You should not be the one who announces to the world that the person has just experienced a loss. That said, if the person has acknowledged the loss publicly, you should feel free to express your condolences in response. You may also send the person a private message expressing your condolences.