Family and close friends can always ask your funeral director what is appropriate and recommended. Remember, we are here to help you in any way we can.
For Family and Close Friends Accepting CondolencesWear professional style clothing that is comfortable, as you will likely be present for several hours or more. Typically, the first two rows of seats are reserved for family and close friends.
Be prepared to say hello to people at the funeral and respond to any condolences that are offered. Do not feel like you have to say hello to everyone attending the funeral, especially if there are a lot of people in attendance. When you do greet people, don’t feel like you have to have a lengthy conversation. Simply saying hello and thanking people for coming is sufficient. However, if you would like to have longer conversations with anyone in attendance that is absolutely fine.
During the wake family members can take turns accepting condolences, and typically do so either while seated in the front row or standing to the left of the casket. Often snacks and beverages are made available. Remember to take an occasional break or even a meal.
For Funeral AttendeesFunerals are emotionally complex, and knowing how to act can present a challenge, especially if you have only limited experiences in your past. Knowing the etiquette guidelines around funerals can help. It is important to remember that your job, as a funeral attendee, is to support and console those grieving, and to participate in the communal grieving that’s taking place.
In light of this, the general advice for how to act at a funeral or memorial service is to be respectful, courteous, and generous to others. Remember that the simple presence of a friend, a hug, or a kind word can go a long way towards making someone feel comforted.
While each service will reflect the preferences of the family, you should
typically use these 5 steps as your guide:
1. Sign the guest book upon arrival
2. Approach the casket and feel free to view pictures or videos that may
be available
3. View the deceased and say a quiet prayer, if appropriate
4. Offer condolences to family and close friends who are at the front
of the room
5. Choose a seat, and offer condolences to others you may know
SHOULD I ATTEND?
As with a funeral service, if you are invited to a wake, viewing, or visitation
you should feel free to go. If the event is limited to family only, you
should respect the family’s wishes and not attend. If you are invited
to a wake, viewing, or visitation and would like to attend but for whatever
reason you cannot attend, you can simply attend the funeral service. If
you are not invited to the wake, viewing, or visitation but would like
to reach out to the family, consider writing a letter expressing your
condolences.
WHAT SHOULD I WEAR?
Your attire should always display respect for the family. In recent years,
casual clothing is becoming more acceptable however more conservative
attire is still the norm. When attending most funerals conservative business
attire is most appropriate. Avoid jeans, sneakers and sports type shirts,
unless family tradition dictates otherwise.
WHEN SHOULD I ARRIVE?
Funerals and memorial services are somber events but they are also social
events. Often people arrive early to see other mourners and have time
for personal conversations. Try to sign the guestbook before the service
begins, whenever possible.
If you arrive late, always enter quietly be seated quickly. If you have
to leave early, sit in the back so that you can leave without causing
a distraction.
If you are participating in the service in any way—such as serving as
a pallbearer, delivering a eulogy or reading, or performing a song— plan
to arrive at least 30 minutes before the service is scheduled to begin
so that you can meet with the funeral director, officiant, or coordinator
to go over the schedule.
WHAT DO I SAY?
Your expression of condolences should be centered on the person to whom
you are speaking, and not you. Here are some suggestions:
I’m sorry for your loss
You are in my thoughts
I’m thinking of you
He/she was a wonderful person
I will miss him/her
WHERE SHOULD I SIT?
It’s common to feel a certain level of nervousness when deciding where
to sit at a funeral or memorial service: many people worry that sitting
too close to the family will imply too much intimacy, while other worry
that sitting too far away will convey a sense of remoteness or make the
family feel isolated.
For the most part, the first few rows of seating are designated for family
only, with immediate family (and spouses or significant others) sitting
in the very first row and extended family members sitting behind them.
Other than these general seat arrangements, there are no other rules in
terms of where to sit at a funeral or memorial service. If the room or
venue is very large you might want to sit closer to the front to help
create a more intimate feeling in the space and to ensure those sitting
in the front are not surrounded by empty seats.
It’s often best to take a seat close to the front although one's loving presence, from anywhere in the room, is all that matters.
SHOULD I SIGN THE FUNERAL GUESTBOOK?
You should sign the guestbook if you attend the funeral or memorial service.
Occasionally there may be multiple guest books, you should sign only one.
The guestbook gives the family a record of those who attended, it is not
the place to leave condolences or other notes. Simply write your name
in the guestbook. If you don’t know the family very well, you can also
write your relationship to the person who died, such as “John Smith, St.
Anthony’s Church” or “Jane Smith, Company Name.”